thursday 6 feb 2014
in greenfield today, bizarrely enough. I haven’t come to the greenfield library to use a computer for nearly three years. the computers are now new, however, as they are in the turners library. not the same ones I used three years ago.
today’s wandering is what… something my subconscious mind — that devil extraordinaire that we all have — demanded of me early this morning, and I don’t even know why. but I followed it, figuring that there must be reasons my conscious mind hasn’t access to. reasons that might be good ones, though at the moment I can’t see how.
this plan of my subconscious perhaps began with the death of my guinea pig in december. maybe it was fortified by a phone conversation with my cousin on 26 january, and another with my aunt two days later.
the guinea pig came to me five months before my homelessness ended (and I consider that I was still technically homeless at that time). my aunt and my cousin, along with any other human family member I might care to name, steadfastly ignored my homelessness. no one who was blood kin of mine ever in those two homeless years came here to toxic franklin county to fetch me home to eastern mass and ensure that I wasn’t alone, that I wasn’t devoid of family who cared about me in the most damaging and ugliest days of my life. not a single bloody one of them.
so something in me demanded this morning that I do a bit of re-living of my homeless days. why? I can’t answer for the ridiculous workings of that underhanded part of the mind. I only know that I complied, and that sitting at a computer in the greenfield library was a very large feature of those days.
I ended up homeless largely due to the machinations of a female whose initials are j.b., but she had a few other females to assist her: l.b., f.r., and probably others I don’t even know about, and never will. the fact that at the same time I was in a situation that no innocent, non-criminal person ever expects to be in was also the work j.b., along with her mother, her mother’s husband, and whoever his business associates in connecticut happen to be. this was a situation I wrote a great deal about online in the homeless times of 2008-2010. most people who read those things thought of me as delusional, I’m sure. a lot of people in real life thought of me that way too, though there have always been those who believe me, minority though they may be. my current therapist is in that minority. she has known delusional people (as have I), and maintains, as I always have, that I don’t have the affect of a delusional. nor do my “stories” follow the pattern of delusionals. nor do I make any effort, as delusionals do, to protect myself against my “imaginary” adversaries. when she said that, I happened to be spraying some air freshener (therapist comes to my home), and I said to her: That’s fbi repellant. she looked worried for a second, then saw that I was smirking, making a joke. I further said: But if there were such a thing as repellant for feds, you can damned well bet I’d buy it.
one of the things my fed pal deliberately confused me about in 2008 was my grandfather. only a few weeks after he told me that these connecticut folks j.b.’s mother is married to wanted to find me in a really big way, he told me that my own grandfather, dead ten years before I was born, was an organized crime man. telling me this so soon after telling me the other led me to believe there could be some connection between the people in connecticut and the people my grandfather worked for in the 1920’s, 30’s, and 40’s. today I see that as very unlikely. my grampa’s pals and the pals of j.b.’s mother are probably two different sets of people entirely. the first group probably doesn’t even exist anymore. no, my trouble was because j.b. was dealing drugs for these connecticut folks, held back drugs and/or money that she was supposed to give them, and told them I had it. we did, after all, live in the same house. and she did, after all, deal the drugs right in front of me, in broadest daylight. the saddle bags of snowmobiles, the mailbox, flower pots, and so on.
much later, in 2010, I was in contact with my nephew, who was surprised to learn that I knew certain unpretty things about my grandfather. he himself knew some of them too, but he had gone to greece and done a lot of research to find out what he knew. I, on the other hand, had done nothing but sit in the apartment of an undercover fed and listen to him tell me things about a grandfather I never knew. in any case, my nephew’s information was so in concert with the things matthew had said to me that I could no longer try to deny what my grandfather was.
this does indeed go back to one of my starting points, namely, the one about a very recent conversation with my aunt (daughter of said grandfather), with whom I’d not talked since summer 1998. she brought up her father, not me. first it was a familiar family story: we tried to find out where he’s buried. I told her he wasn’t buried at all, and I should have gone on to specify that if he was buried, it wasn’t in any cemetery. but I was nervous and didn’t think as fast as I should have. and then she told me another story, one I don’t remember ever having heard before. namely, that as a child she’d been injured by a car or bus or something hitting her. there had been a large legal settlement. grandfather, with an amerikan wife and five amerikan children, had taken this money to 1. buy a half-interest in a restaurant in camden new jersey. 2. take a trip to greece. this was in the 1930’s or 40’s. none of that money was ever given to the family grampa had produced in the u.s., because he already had a family in greece before he ever came here. and “business associates” as well. sounds like a mafia grampa to me.
I have mostly been gentle with my family members in my writings over the last six years. if you’ve done any reading of such pages and think I am not gentle, that is because you have no clue as to what they are really like. I’ve been gentle because I didn’t want people to think I was just dumping on my family and saw nothing good about them. such is absolutely not the case. it’s precisely because I needed them and wanted them so much for decades, and because I did indeed see as much good in them as bad, that I have been gentle. but not anymore.
from this day forward the gloves are off. the nastiness these people have practiced on me the last couple of years seems to be the final straw. whatever is good in them, whatever qualities I clung to over the years as those that would be the salvation of us as a family, these people are a pack of jackals, the lot of them. the dead ones, the living ones, the whole sick clan. especially to me, the asperger’s oddball. though they didn’t know I have asperger’s until six years ago, they have the usual neurotypical antennae for differentness, and because of my perceived oddness they have bullied me, cheated me, abandoned me and treated me in a way that no other black sheep in the clan has ever been treated… and yes, there have been other black sheep before me.
I take the gloves off now because all I have left of what I once believed to be a human family is a trail of lost objects, people and memories, and my gargantuan, impotent rage.
all photos, graphics, poems and text copyright 2009-2014 by anne nakis, unless otherwise stated. all rights reserved.
wandering a little in music-land…
on tuesday 20 august, at the age of 95, the jazz world lost one of its brightest: the composer and pianist marian mcpartland. truly I don’t give a figgy about the jazz world, as in general I don’t like jazz.
marian had a public radio show for over thirty years, only stopping, I believe, in 2009, when she was 91. it was called, simply, piano jazz. I listened to it for one of those thirty years, from 2004 to 2005, back in my own life. before the personal holocaust and psychotic women banding together to ruin me and my animals, and all that other sick jazz. I didn’t really want to listen to it at first, but it was sandwiched in on sunday evenings (on WAMC in albany) between two shows I did want to hear, and I am usually too lazy to turn off the radio for one lousy hour. so I listened. now that it’s gone for good, I wish I’d hung in with it longer. I stopped listening because most of the guests were so full of themselves (as are a great many musicians, actors and writers). if the show had been marian all alone playing her compositions and her arrangements of other people’s material, I would have stayed with her until my life was destroyed.
I would have stayed for several years more because she herself, marian, fascinated me. I always perceived an enormous gentleness from this woman, and gentleness is another one of those things I’ve always craved in my life. one of the things I always get from animals, but almost never from humans. and as a student of language, her idiolect engaged me. I could pick out england in her speech, but also the bronx or brooklyn. it’s a very unusual combination that I’ve never heard in the speech of anyone else, ever, and it mesmerized me. eventually she did say on the show that she was born in england and only came to america as an adult, after marrying jimmy. and they settled in new york. she verified for me the dialects I was hearing in her speech. her speech which has never ceased to intrigue me.
I would have stayed… though I don’t like jazz. only marian’s jazz. she would no doubt be horrified to read these words, but to me, her jazz didn’t sound like jazz. it sounded much more like what they call new-age, and ambient, and things of that nature. I loved it whenever she played one of her own compositions, which wasn’t nearly often enough to suit me. and even when she does some typical jazz chord progressions that I normally cannot abide, I can get through them with only a minimum of irritation when marian is playing them. there is a magic for me when she touches the keys. the same gentleness I felt over the radio from her as a person, I felt, and feel, when I hear her play. there is no bombast there, no showmanship, just a completely loving relationship with the instrument and the sounds it produces, or so it comes across to my ears and to my soul. her touch and relationship with the piano are to me so deeply reverent and charming that I could listen to her for hours, even if she were playing things like chopsticks and three blind mice. if I had ever been really good at the piano (and there were years of lessons), I would like to have played it just the way marian did, minus the jazz.
public radio aired an excellent tribute to her last week, which sadly was much too short. I heard that great idiolect a couple of times, way too briefly. I heard a couple of solos, marian and the piano all by themselves, the way I like her best. and the very first piece they played was a solo she composed called threnody. this took me aback. partly because I almost never hear anyone use that word, and partly because, three years ago, I myself wrote a short piece of music on my lap-harp which I called threnody. and I have a poem on my poetry blog with the same title, written at the same time as the music was, though the two don’t go together. synchronicities are always uncanny, but some are unusually so, and I was rather shocked when the first piece in the tribute show turned out to have that name.
marian and I will never know each other, and would never have met even if she’d lived yet another 95 years. but it pleases me at the level of heart and soul to know that if we had nothing else at all in common (and perhaps we didn’t), we each, unbeknownst to the other, wrote a piece of music called threnody.
they played another version of it at the end of the show, rightly pointing out that now there are threnodies for marian herself. all over the jazz world, these threnodies, and here in turners trolls in the heart of one anne nakis, who doesn’t like jazz, but who loved marian and her piano-art from afar; loved them to no small degree.
this page, from me, a small threnody for a genuine artist I could meet only over the radio.
all photos, graphics, poems and text copyright 2009-2013 by anne nakis, unless otherwise stated. all rights reserved.
for ages I’ve wanted to put this poem on one of my blogs, but can’t rightly recall at this moment whether I’ve actually done so. at the risk of duplication, I’ll put it here now. this excerpt of a longer poem is remarkable to me simply for what it is, what it says and the way it says it. but it’s all the more remarkable for having been written by a ten-year-old, long ago in 1922.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I shall be coming back to you From seas, rivers, sunny meadows, glens that hold secrets: I shall come back with my hands full Of light and flowers… I shall bring back things I have picked up, Traveling this road or the other, Things found by the sea or in the pinewood. There will be a pine-cone in my pocket, Grains of pink sand between my fingers. I shall tell you of a golden pheasant’s feather… Will you know me? ______________________________
from I Shall Come Back by hilda conkling
all photos, graphics, poems and text copyright 2009-2013 by anne nakis, unless otherwise stated. all rights reserved.
Page one hundred twenty-four
wandering through things lost… again… as ever
the dear, important things lost this time are words. some I rarely hear anymore… out of strangers’ mouths. some I never hear. but these words were part of the years before I was excised from my human family as if I were some kind of putrid, deadly tumor. as if I were worthless, deserving of no love, no respect, no regard. words of forty-five years. I can’t recall them all at one sitting, and so will have to edit and edit this page as lost, missed words come back to mind. words as much a part of my lost family as our meals, our furniture, our house, now also lost.
you’re standing in the way of progress
you’re a pimple on the posterior of progress
you’re giving me agitta
oh go soak your head
take a long walk off a short pier
standing there posing for animal crackers
like a fart in a windstorm
that was a doozie
that was a blinger
if he was any slower he’d be going backwards
if he had a brain he’d be dangerous
a la casa linga (sic)
the great one
god love ‘im
go top shelf
that frosts my cookies
(more in future)
all photos, graphics, poems and text copyright 2009-2013 by anne nakis, unless otherwise stated. all rights reserved.
tuesday 26 february 2013
Page One hundred twenty-three
I’m sick of you, putz-self… sick to death of your stupid star-eyes. you’ve been a bleeding fool forever…
you’re right, reality-girl… but don’t you get some of the blame? what took you so stinking long to get big enough? why did it take so many ugly scenes, so many knife-wounds in our gut, for you to scream at me?…
why did it have to come to screaming?… I gave you quiet talks for years, and there were plenty of days when I raised the volume some. … why do you need screaming?
because I’m bigger than you… the stars in my eyes shine loud… shine with stupid belief in possibilities, with sorry belief in people’s lies and shams… because I couldn’t black out all those stars… some of them, some, sometimes… but not all, never all…
now it’s time to blacken up, smarten up, tar out your silly stars… isn’t this enough now?… isn’t it enough now that asshole drank and asshole gambled and asshole lost the family house and asshole woke up dead?… dead in the bed for days, tissue breaking down, dead for days?…
no, no don’t say it. not in my family… not in our family, another ugly newsflash… it’ll be in the paper, I suppose. asshole so-and-so found dead in bed in a state of … autopsy being performed… no, no, not in my family… wasn’t billy’s murder enough, splashed all over the papers from salem to boston, on the boston TV news… wasn’t that enough newsprint sordid stink in my family… and learning about the mafia man, dear departed grampa… wasn’t that all enough stink?…
embarrasses those star-eyes, eh?…
you know better… you’re as much me as I am… miniscule embarrassment… gargantuan heartbreak… my family doesn’t have sordid headlines… my family has sunday rides and cukes in the garden and dad playing the mandolin… my family has natural deaths in old age…
shut up!… in all the years since you supposedly became an adult, why did you ever, for five minutes, keep believing that this family is anything but a pack of deceiving, denial-ridden jackals, always out for blood, the other guy’s?… always out for yours, star-eyes… why have you kept believing that any good you found in them could rise up and prevail?… did goodness ever prevail in any one of them?…
say that louder, star-eyes…
no. no no no no no!…
now you’re talking. now you’re waking up… a pack of denial-ridden, self-involved jackals, out for blood… worshippers at the altars of the lowest, most ugly things inside them… goodness was never going to rise to the stinking surface and stay there, and win the psychic battle… not ever… those stupid goodness-stars in your stupid eyes would not see…
my stupid eyes see now… any stars for humans are fading fast…
and how do you feel…?
like dying… like killing, but that one is already dead in the bed…
out with the rest of it now… I’m the reality girl… I’m big enough now, and I’m yelling… out with the rest of it..
I feel I wasted the energy of my heart and soul and body, any energy I spent on any one of them over decades… like I was swindled by them, and by my soft heart and starry eyes… like I’m the biggest putz who ever breathed… like dying…
well maybe we should… we can’t go on bleeding forever from all of their knife-blows… it’s no life, it’s not living… it’s stinking sempiternal suffering… let’s just pull the plug, finally…
we’ve tried that before, more than once… we can’t… whatever it takes to pull it off, to euthanize oneself and stop the bleeding, we don’t have it… we are failures at that too…
so we’re stuck… stuck till we wake up dead in the bed like that other one…
stuck… yes, stuck…
read… twenty-ninth december
Page One hundred twenty-two
monday 25 february 2013
hello, small, stalwart clutch of readers…
I come, sorry to say, with no good news.
I am supposed to be in mourning now. I am in mourning, but not so much for the matter people (even you) expect me to be grieving for.
less than twelve hours ago, I learned that one of my siblings is dead, and has been dead for some days. the youngest of us. and all will agree that I’m supposed to be mourning this loss. please remember that I am not average, or even normal, as people are constantly telling me. please also remember that I have asperger’s, which produces in me an outlook skewed off from the common neurotypical.
phone call by phone call I learned new pieces. the first phone call only told me death, as the date of death was not yet known. said date seems to have been tuesday 19 february. I wonder will that info change.
…(so many years I’ve been wandering a-stagger among the ugly, damaging, high-flown dramas created by my blood relations. every time I decide we are all too old for anymore such nightmares to be engendered, voilá… someone makes a new one. or, more rarely, the stinking randomness of living makes one)
since I’m a dogged devotee of truth, be it ugly, pretty or betwixt, I might as well cut to the chase and say that I no longer feel any love for this sibling. not for years. not in the psychological and behavioral configuration that this sibling adopted fifteen or so years ago. and phone call by call, I was given more reasons last night to resent and rage at this individual, now no longer alive.
this person had an alcohol problem for many years. alcohol costs money in large quantities, and is bad for the health. there was also a long-standing gambling issue, which costs money. and gourmandising on only the best restaurant food (another lifelong pursuit). there was apparently yet another finance-draining addiction that I never knew about, and that I’m too disgusted and ashamed to name. and since this person was in possession of our family home, they had the power to squander money on addictions, get very sick and unable to work, fail to keep up mortgage and make more than one refinancing arrangement, and fail to keep up payments, and lose our family home. this happened ten months ago, but I was only told last night. they never would have told me if the sibling had lived, because they are a right gaggle of cowards, and always have been. they knew my pain and my anger would be great, and they were too sissified to face it. this also rankles, as I’ve had to put up with temper and insanity and lies and all manner of other ugliness from blood relations all my days, but they can’t put up with my grief, or anger, or anything else.
my father’s house, which he wanted to have stay in the family, the very boards and bricks of which are imbued with his decades of labor at them, is gone to booze, bets, belly, and even more shameful addiction number three. my father’s house, which was taken away from me and my daughter in favor of this other sibling, which I desperately wanted to see stay in the family, is gone to the selfish, hedonistic obsessions of a liar and con-artist. and this person, in the days when we still spoke, was quite proud of being able to con people. and that’s only reason number one that I do not grieve the death overmuch.
on the other hand, I grieve greatly and in fury the loss of our family home, my dad’s house. purchased in 1958 by a young married couple with a very sick child (me, of course) who had to be got away from the dampness of the lakeside house we had, and foreclosed on because of an addict in 2012. I grieve. I rage. I deplore.
if there is a sibling to mourn, it is a long-lost configuration that existed for no more than thirty or so years… out of the fifty-five years and three months that this person lived.
… to assign the nightmares, the flames of drama that yield the ashes that yield yet another set of flames until, I guess, the moment of my own death… to assign the newest nightmares to their categories: the loss of the house one of the myriad high, ugly dramas created in my life by one of my blood relations; the death itself, and the fact that it was not discovered for some five days, might belong to the beastly randomness of living category. it might.
I look now at what I know about this person’s entire life (and I don’t know all of it, to be sure), and over and over again I think on a phone conversation between us in the mid-90’s. this person had the unmitigated nerve (always had this) to hold forth with a speech to the effect that they had always expected me, with my “talent and brains and education,” to do something really significant with my life, to succeed greatly, to be the “flagship” of the nakis family. and what a “disappointment” it was that I had got sick and ended up on disability (the implication was: such a failure). but I did not fail, financially or otherwise, because of booze and bets and belly (and the nameless thing). I failed because of physical illness, and I think, because of asperger’s, because of never fitting in anywhere. and the other thing? the other thing is that my siblings have easily as much quantifiable IQ as do I, and an equal share of talent to mine, if in some different directions. so why did this troll lay it on me alone to be the great success, to be the family’s “flagship?” why wasn’t it equally lain on the other siblings themselves? why was I yet again singled out for the blame and the shame? I compare our two failed lives and state: my failures were made in good faith, in spite of many strenuous efforts, and I have striven to live as clean, decent and honorable a life as possible (according to my personal definitions of such things), even if weird, even if asperger-oddball. I can’t say the same for the lost one, the proud con artist.
if you think me horrible for these emotions, lack of other emotions, for telling such a type of truth, then that’s what you think.
Page One hundred twenty-one
wednesday 23 january 2013
time has wandered into yet another year. every january, through the old roman door with a double face looking both forward and back, time slithers into yet another year. the world’s time, the world’s calendar. but also my own. every time the world slides over that threshold, all the january babies do as well. a long-ago january baby, my personal calendar turns another page each time the world’s does.
I haven’t written on this website for several months. too busy. over forty days of physically strenuous moving. by the time that ended, it was time for the holidays, about which I wanted to make as big a deal as I could in 2012/13. my first holidays since 2007 with an apartment, and some animals. and all of this busy-busy and push-push of course required the almost constant use of prednisone to shut up my immune system. and still I got sick. more than once. really sick.
at each holiday, beginning with thanksgiving, I thought how I had, every year since 2008, been assiduously writing my holiday posts on one of these books or blogs: 2008, 09, 10, 11. but not for 2012. I wanted to be doing it for a fifth consecutive year, but time and energy were both in short supply. it wasn’t possible. so in the interests of the moving and the holidays and the sicknesses, the website has been ignored. I grow ever more angry when I’m forced to ignore these pages, because I see them as much more important than simply something that fills needs of mine. I see them as something for my animals as well. all the animals of my life, the four animals I have at this moment, and, most importantly, those fourteen animals who were stolen from me in 2008 and eventually killed.
a thanksgiving with an apartment again, after five years. a solstice with some animals again, after five years. a christmas with things I had had for fifty-five years, until unhinged, malicious people decided to take them away. really a very huge holiday season, and no words of mine could do justice to the enormity of it.
after new year’s, the birthday. and though on a soul-level I hate this birthday more than I’ve hated any other, on the outside, in the realm of humans and what humans do and get and say with other humans when there’s a birthday, I had more “riches” than I’ve had on a birthday in at least twenty years. maybe more. grateful for that, yes; for a temporary reduction in isolation, in being ignored. grateful. but the fact remains that neither the human attention nor the gratitude cause me to loathe this particular birthday any less or to stop wishing that it had never come.
holidays with animals again. any bored humans can now leave, as I’m about to thank those mahatmas, those great souls, who live with me now and were here to make the holidays of some kind of value again. thank you one thousand times Shiloh-Chailín, and Judah-Meredith, and Cerulie-blue, and Canarie-yellow. do you have any idea what a difference you make.
all photos, graphics, poems and text copyright 2009-2013 by anne nakis, unless otherwise stated. all rights reserved