a day of birth

Page Thirty-five                                                                                                                        

Wednesday 28 October, 2009… Turners Falls

someone ….     at 30

born Sunday 28 October 1979

gone; gone a long time now… but not dead

 

~~~~~~~~    website   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(clock at www.gaelsong.com)

 

 

 

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Again my world

Page Thirty-four

Saturday 24 October 2009     Greenfield

When I got into my late thirties, I began, with every passing year, to want my own world more and more. I began to grow more and more weary of trying to fit, to make something good happen in the non-autistic world.

It’s still the same as it ever was. People want me to be what they want me to be and feel what they want me to feel and do what they want me to do, and to recover from the traumas of the last 19 months right now. The more they pressure me in these ways, the more I retreat, the more desperately I want only my own world. Most of my own world, and the most important parts of it, have been taken away. But there are still a few elements left of my realm that I can use to recede into, to allow myself to be autistic and all the other unacceptable things I am.

And it’s not as easy as saying, Find other autistic people. We vary tremendously, and when I do a little blog-reading on Wrongplanet, I find people I dislike as much as I dislike any neurotypical. As Asperger’s agencies are fond of saying, “when you’ve met one person with Asperger’s, you’ve met one person with Asperger’s.” As I said, we vary tremendously.

Yesterday I got to walk into one of our former yards, for the first time since I moved out of it in 1997. I was able to do this because I was visiting a woman who lives in the upstairs of the house where we used to live in the downstairs. It was so sad to be in that yard again and in that building, and at the same time so comforting. Visiting a past chapter of my own life and my own world. Almost nothing that’s happened since March of 2008 is in any meaningful way my own.

~~~~~~~~~   website  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

(stained glass at www.signals.com)

 

friday 16 october 2009

Page Thirty-three

Greenfield

I’ve been wandering on my most recent entries through my lifetime with animals, and recording the birth and death dates that are still in my memory. Many, especially from my first 25 years, are no longer in those memory banks at all. I wish they were. I wish I had in younger times been the record-keeper I became later.

I went to Turners haunting again today. I go every weekday that I can, as there are no buses on the weekends. I can’t get through the days any other way.

Yesterday on soulcast.com/sehnen I wrote about the recent suicide of my daughter’s father. We were never married, and he never wanted anything to do with her. But while he raised other children, he failed to adopt them and he died without a will, so now this child he didn’t want – my daughter –  will inherit 50% of his estate. Isn’t it ironic.

~~~~~~~~~~~  website  ~~~~~~~~

 Share  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

(gecko at www.whatonearthcatalog.com)

 

When comes a new October

Page Thirty-two

1. Turners Falls  10:15 a.m., Thurs 1 Oct 2009

    LIAM   grateful, content, a helper, a star

             15 May 1996  —  Thurs 3 Oct 2002    Bí liom

   Elizabeth Tillson Motz    why so much trouble

             5 March 1939 – Thurs 3 Oct 1991

2. Greenfield  11:01 a.m., Sat 10 Oct 2009

     Séamas, Seán, Caibhan, Cíaran, Áine: born

                     Mon 7 Oct 1996

    MAMAN  keeper of the hearth, cricket hunter

             Sun 9 Oct 1994     

    GOOSIE  boss of all the ducks, bringer of swans

                         Fri 10 Oct 2008

     SEAMAS  beautiful Irish boy: tá brón orm

                   Mon 7 Oct 1996  —  Mon 11 Oct 1999

3.  Turners Falls, Wed 14 Oct 09, 10:40 a.m.

      KIMMY    the first boy October, leaf  boy

               Thurs 14 Oct 1993

      TINA       the fine wife, the calico

               Sat 16 Oct 1999  

4Friday 23 Oct 2009

     RABBIT    mother of angels; I’m sorry

                            Fri 25 Oct 1996

     PETER 3     arrives Sat 26 October 1996

       SEAN     one of her sons, her angels

       Mon 7 Oct 1996  —   Sun 28 Oct 2001   

       TAMMI and TUUSCHI    loving always

                               born 24 Oct 1994   

  5. Sat 31 October 2009

       LEO        the exact opposite of a lion; I’m sorry

                  Saturday 31 Oct 1998

       Shiloh-Chailin        five weeks old, embarking on what?

                  arrived Saturday 31 Oct 2009 

 

all photos, graphics, poems and text copyright 2009, 2010, 2011 by anne nakis, unless otherwise stated. all rights reserved.