Again my world

Page Thirty-four

Saturday 24 October 2009     Greenfield

When I got into my late thirties, I began, with every passing year, to want my own world more and more. I began to grow more and more weary of trying to fit, to make something good happen in the non-autistic world.

It’s still the same as it ever was. People want me to be what they want me to be and feel what they want me to feel and do what they want me to do, and to recover from the traumas of the last 19 months right now. The more they pressure me in these ways, the more I retreat, the more desperately I want only my own world. Most of my own world, and the most important parts of it, have been taken away. But there are still a few elements left of my realm that I can use to recede into, to allow myself to be autistic and all the other unacceptable things I am.

And it’s not as easy as saying, Find other autistic people. We vary tremendously, and when I do a little blog-reading on Wrongplanet, I find people I dislike as much as I dislike any neurotypical. As Asperger’s agencies are fond of saying, “when you’ve met one person with Asperger’s, you’ve met one person with Asperger’s.” As I said, we vary tremendously.

Yesterday I got to walk into one of our former yards, for the first time since I moved out of it in 1997. I was able to do this because I was visiting a woman who lives in the upstairs of the house where we used to live in the downstairs. It was so sad to be in that yard again and in that building, and at the same time so comforting. Visiting a past chapter of my own life and my own world. Almost nothing that’s happened since March of 2008 is in any meaningful way my own.

~~~~~~~~~   website  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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