leap year

Page Fifty-seven

Friday 26 Feb 2010      Turners Falls

Writing in the land of trolls again today, at the library. Still living in Greenfield.

Two years ago today it was leap day, Friday 29 February 2008. The last day of the last full month I had in my own life, and it was an extra day. I wanted it to last for years. To go on, that leap day, and the clock and the calendar stand still on the last day of the last whole month I had with my animals. For nothing to move, so that the sheriff’s deputy would never come on March 11. So that we would never be torn apart. So that I could keep my world.

                                                                           

No matter how much any person at any time wants the clock to stand still, it never will. In spite of our extra February day, March 11 did come, and we were torn apart, and my own life and my own world ended.

I have no specific memory of that leap day. Movers had come the day before to take some of my stuff to a storage unit. But without my journals (which are in someone’s barn at this moment), I have no specific memories of that day that’s given to us only every four years. I wish I did. I wish I had the journals back. I should have had them by now, but the person who is supposed to move out of the efficiency apartment I’m going to get has been stalling around for three months.

The worst anniversary on the calendar breathes down my neck now. The anniversary of the most severe trauma of my life, by far. There are no hands to hold mine when that day comes, either literally or any other way. There is rarely any human caring for me at the very worst times.

Leap day led to us leaping into the ending, a leap we were pushed into, that wasn’t made willingly. Pushed, shoved and ruined by other human beings. What would you feel for such people if you were me? Pity for people who practice such viciousness? Why should they be pitied for being wicked? Forgiveness? Go ahead, but I’m not joining you there.

~~~~~  website  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 (clip art photo)

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